Here is another letter in what we hope will be a series of letters written to future spouses. If you would like to submit your own letter you may email us at findingthetwo@yahoo.com.
Dear future significant other,
I use the term “significant other” to describe you only because I can think of no other term at the moment. I dislike the word “spouse” although it has a perfectly lovely Latin root. I also dislike the term “mate” because it makes us sound like a couple of prized race horses or pure bred dogs. And so, I am stuck with the words “significant other” although it is cliché and I hate a cliché, but as you see, I have no choice.
I speak to you in an intelligent manner as I hope you will be intelligent and be able to understand me. Perhaps it is asking too much, because I am not really snobbish and I understand there are different types of intelligence. But I cannot help but think that you, if you exist, are an intelligent person.
I say “if you exist” because, up until recently, I had ceased to believe in you. Oh I had been taught to believe in you! How I had been taught! But, I did not know as a child of what the future would hold and what would lie ahead. Yes, I must say that in your absence, sometimes things have been quite painful and confusing.
It has been a strange and interesting world I have lived in during these past years. I have seen things that I did not wish to see and heard things that I did not wish to hear. We all experience these things. I am not complaining because it has been “a wonderful life” (there again with a cliché). But, it has been painful and wonderful all wrapped up into one. I realize now that all these painful and wonderful experiences are in fact, life itself.
But yes, during these experiences, I am sorry, but I ceased to believe in you. I found your existence to be impossible. I wondered about your existence in the same way I once struggled with the existence of God. I do not doubt God’s existence anymore, and in so doing, I no longer doubt yours. Does that sound crazy? Perhaps it is, but most people don’t think like me. That is something perhaps you will appreciate.
The reason why that my reconciliation with God’s existence helped me to once again believe in YOU is simple. It is because once, years ago, God spoke to me in an odd and curious way. It was shocking and at the time I wasn’t sure what He was talking about. I even thought I had lost my mind. I wasn’t even concerned at the time with finding a “significant other” but with a completely unrelated matter. I was praying and God pressed into my mind (in that way that He does) and this is what He said: “It will seem like you are never going to get what you want out of life. It’s going to seem like a very long time. You are going to give up and you are going to stop believing, but someday you will get everything you have ever dreamed of, even though it seems to you like you’re never going to get it. And, no matter what happens, I don’t want you to be afraid.”
No, I didn’t know what that was about at the time. I even convinced myself later, as I struggled with the very existence of a “God who would let me suffer so much,” that I had imagined those words. But, now I realize, no I didn’t imagine it. So apparently, if God exists then you exist. So I just have to keep believing in both of you.
I have to remember not to be afraid even though, at times, I have been, very much so.
I guess I just always believed that you would rescue me from my troubles. I believed that your somehow arriving would make me feel better about myself. I imagined that I would never feel unattractive or unloved again if only you were here. I imagined you would rescue me. I guess I set you up to fail.
But, I realize now that I have to rescue myself first. I allowed myself to let Satan lie to me and convince me to believe horrible things about myself. No one on earth can be expected to heal my wounded soul. It is too much for any mortal, except for myself. I have to allow myself to heal. I have to rescue myself and not expect you to do it for me.
I have even worried for years that God would force me to marry someone that I didn’t like. I worried that whomever it was God intended for me would not be who I have dreamed of since childhood. I still struggle with that. I guess I should fix that and trust that God’s dreams should be my dreams instead of the other way around.
I will tell you, that unless God changes me and makes me suddenly overly confident that YOU are going to be the one to have to make the first move. I tend to put up walls and shy away from those in whom I am interested. I hope I haven’t done that to you if we already know each other. I hope you have enough courage and patience to understand that any apparent slight I might make toward you is only out of my serious lack of confidence. Oh and if “confidence” is something you find attractive, I’m sorry, I’m still working on that one.
I will try not to think of you or imagine you until you miraculously show up. I hope you understand. It is not that I am unromantic. It is because I am too much so. Thinking of you and how you are NOT here to make me feel like all the other “married or in a relationship” people on social networking websites feel (or act like they feel) about THEIR “significant others” is just a little too upsetting. I feel like I’m missing out on a huge part of life because you are not here. I can’t help it. I’m only mortal. I cannot see things as God sees them. I do try everyday.
I try everyday as I see all the repeated posts of wedding and engagement pictures on these websites. Everyday it seems like one more person whom I thought was perhaps even more shy than I am when it comes to relationships, ends up with their pictures all over the place. It is a bit depressing. I know that sounds stupid. But I long for those stupid pictures that everyone insists on having taken. I long for them and for writing the check for the ridiculous amount of money.
Yes, that’s just how I am. I long for the relationship too, but I also long for people to be happy for me. I long for people to tell me how amazing it is and how lucky I am. I long for that instead of feeling like everyone is looking at me and wondering what is wrong with me.
Yes, I worry about what people think. It has been hammered into my head. It’s hard to change.
So yes, hurry up already! I swear it is not like I insist that we get married or anything right away! Because at this point I would settle for a steak dinner and bouquet of roses. I don’t even really ask for a lot. I only demand you be a Christian, kind to children and animals, and fairly literate. You know, the usual stuff. Surely you can make that happen huh?
And in return I offer you loyalty, affection, encouragement, and all the other things that you should require. I do actually realize that it’s not all about ME and that you yourself may have your own hang-ups, problems, insecurities, and fears.
I shall eagerly await your hurried reply!
With love and all sincerity,
Your future…..oh whatever! I really don’t know of a decent word I want to call myself!
PS: Writing to you as if you were actually here has been surprisingly cathartic. I may try it again in future. I hope you don’t mind.
-Anonymous-
Finding The Two 